I’m hesitant in writing this, because the last thing I would want is to come off as insensitive or take away from the joy of growing a human inside of your body. It’s pretty amazing, and obviously life changing. [Normally I wouldn’t write this until I felt that mom high I keep hearing about, but honestly I’m still back in forth between feeling completely overwhelmed by what my body is going through, and being excited for this new chapter.]
But as much as that is true, isn’t it true that sometimes pregnant women get a little depressed? I am not a medical professional (duh) but I know what I’ve experienced. And according to Google, and other honest women I’ve confided in, I’m not the only one.
We found out we were pregnant on a “whim” I’ll call it. It was shortly after a celebratory brunch at the Columbia Gorge Hotel, celebrating 91 years of Grandma Ruth. I ordered the lobster benedict, and I truly (to this day) cannot think of anything more repulsive. Yes, I know how privileged that sounds. But hopefully we can all relate on how disgusting a reheated freezer burned lobster tail is (how old was that thing really?). I hate the way that sentence sounds, but it really was gross if you happened to be in my body that day.
After a whopping two bites, I ended up calling out sick to work the following day. I had never felt so tired, and hydrating was a challenge; which if you know me is one of the rare things I can be an overachiever at. I was nauseous, but not throwing up, just overall feeling like shit. On top of that, my normal sick-day regimen was not working. What was going on with my body?
After two days, I had to go into work. When I got there, they basically agreed that I looked terrible and told me to go to the doctor. So off I went to the immediate care.
I strolled in there oh-so casually, with an “I’m sick, but I’m still super friendly and pleasant” vibe. I chatted with the medical assistant, who grew up in Hood River, and was feeling pretty in-control of myself. Until, she asked me to take a urine test. I texted Greg almost immediately with a nervous “LOL, they want me to take a pregnancy test.” It was less than 10 minutes later that I found out I was going to be a mom, and the joke was on me. After waiting for what felt like forever, the provider arrived in the room where I was already in tears.
The Physician Assistant who broke the news to me was gracious, compassionate, and probably confused. “Do you know who the dad is?” she asked me. **Which is still my favorite part of that encounter to this day.** I wasn’t offended by this because, if you knew the location of this particular immediate care, that was a completely realistic question.** “Yes, I know who the dad is.”
All I could picture was Greg going about his day having no idea of the news I was about to spring on him. The song “A Well Respected Man” by The Kinks just played in my mind as I watched him doddle around work, doing that stupid Egyptian move that he loves. My heart sunk a little that this was how I was going to tell Greg he was becoming a dad.
I got a prescription for some prenatal vitamins and headed out the door with a handful of saltines and a can of apple juice. I needed to figure out how to tell Greg. So I did what any impatient millennial would do, and Facetimed him. As soon as he answered (which, who would answer a Face time call at work?) I knew that he knew. The response I got from Greg, although not probably ideal for every woman, was very real, which I needed. “What are we going to do, babe?” said my sweet husband of 6 months. I had no idea.
Even though a Lifetime movie critic wouldn’t approve our reactions, I was so glad in that moment that I didn’t have to pretend to feel any other way than how I actually felt. I didn’t have to pretend to be excited. I didn’t have to pretend to be the brave one who was going to figure it all out. We both were able to be in complete shock together, and not know what to do.
I wish I could say that since then, it’s been completely uphill. It has been uphill, but a very slow and gradual uphill with many dips in between.
Those dips have included new types of stress that I’ve never had to experience before. But the plus side has been learning how to navigate through those types of stress—even though there are many times where I end up acting a fool. Accepting this new phase in our lives has been really hard, and figuring out how to be grateful for it, has been even harder.
I’m conditioned to believing that I’m a very selfish person. And I want to be a not-so-selfish person, but not quite yet. I’ve felt like, yeah, I’m pretty good with kids, but that doesn’t mean that I want one, and especially right now. I anticipate this feeling will probably change once I’m holding a baby in my arms, but I don’t want to discredit the validity of this feeling, especially at this stage. I love being in control, and this whole situation has felt like me getting use to not being in control at all. Which really sucks sometimes, but here are a few things that I’ve learned help with all of those murky feelings:
1. Taking time for yourself. How many times have you heard this and now it means literally nothing to you. I don’t like the way this phrase sounds, but it’s true. Recently I realized that I have been neglecting the things that I really love to do, and that has largely included feeling creative. I feel my best self when I take time to pursue the things I love to do: cooking, writing, going outside, reading, and creating. It’s easy to feel bogged down by all of the stress that life brings, which to me is why this makes it an especially important to do things that you love, that make you feel like your true self.
2. Camaraderie with other moms. I was hesitant about this one, because I really didn’t want to become “one of them” or not be inclusive of others, just because they don’t have a baby. It sounds stupid and insensitive, but you know what I mean. I didn’t want to submit my life to solely being a mom who only likes mom stuff and hangs with other moms. I know that this is a very one dimensional view, and I hope it changes for the better. But I definitely did not want to be labeled as some lame Facebook mom. Aside from my insecurity on that, I’ve realized that learning from other moms can be fun and that I need to hold my judgments. Moms just want to help and have other friends who can relate to what they are going through, because it is a commitment. To my pleasant surprise, I have always felt better after talking to honest, confident, and smart women, (who happen to be moms) especially during this time of transition and being unsure.
3. Meditation. This is a must, especially in the midst of a busy-ass work week. I use the Headspace app, and really love it. You can do a meditation quickly, and fit it into your day when you have time. A lot of times at work if I feel overwhelmed I will take 10-15 minutes at the end of my lunch to meditate. I probably look homeless sitting in the front of my car with my eyes closed, but who cares? It’s important to do. I always feel better, and like I can proceed with my day without letting my irrational, hormonal, crazy side leak out.
4. DE cluttering both my home and life. This one was a little dangerous for me. I looove getting rid of stuff and never looking back. Nothing feels better to me than a well-organized space to relax in, reminiscent of a hotel. The danger in this—I wanted nicer stuff. The good part of this is it can force you to become creative with your budget and strategize what you splurge on. I’ll post about this later to show you the results of my “nesting” phase. Another thing I was able to purge was my social media. I still have Facebook (though I rarely get on it), but I got rid of my Instagram, and man does it feel good. I’ll probably need a separate post just for that.
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She journal. 