northwest wedding – She journal.

So I’ll preface this by saying I never anticipated to feel the amount of anxiety I felt once we were engaged.

Initially, it was that drug-like high that only a well “liked” Instagram can fill you with. I was a slave to my phone, checking my social media like a crazy, minute by minute. I was feeeling good – and probably damaging my retinas.

Nevertheless, that unhealthy wave of fulfillment had passed and the panic/anxiety started sinking in.

I HAD TO PLAN A WEDDING.

So many things ran through my head:

What if it sucked? What if it didn’t live up to people’s expectations? What if we are disappointed? Especially after spending all that money? What if it’s awkward? What if it isn’t original?

So then we concluded: Let’s just elope!

This was a magical idea lasting all of 2 hypothetical seconds. But in that 2 seconds, I was able to control and create the *perfect* elopement that was so “us”. With nobody looking at me, and nobody’s expectations to fulfill except ours. Seemed pretty ideal.

But then reality set in, as it always does.

What would we tell our friends? Our parents? Grandma Ruth? What if I get to that day and I’m crying because I wanted all my friends and family there celebrating with us?

Needless to say, that was enough to make us realize exactly what we care about most – bringing people together! We didn’t need a wedding to feel the way we felt…so we might as well celebrate the people who have brought us to where we are today. So I made a decision to let go— and it worked.

Before you applaud me for “letting go”, take it with a grain of salt. In “letting go” I left a lot of the actual wedding planning to Greg. Yes. I’ll publicly state that Gregory Bial planned probably 85% of our wedding, which I guarantee is more than he bargained for in the beginning.

I was all over the vision and aesthetic, but pretty much all of the execution was done by Greg. So if you see us in Oregon Bride, gaining any credit, know that it was barely me. And I don’t say that to be obligatorily humble, I say it because it’s true!

I’m lucky.

Grab one for yourself here.

Anyway, what did I even like about our wedding?

I’d say my favorite moments were the ones that I thought I wouldn’t be able to experience because we chose to have a wedding over eloping.

I was wrong.

Moment #1: Listening to our wedding playlists.

Here’s another thing I thought I’d have control over—the music at our wedding. I’ve been semi-storing songs of importance on the backburner since high school. And to be completely honest, until I’d met Greg, I thought I had pretty good taste in music (doesn’t everybody?). I’ve never met anyone who takes music as seriously as Greg. If you play him a few songs of what you like, he will make you a complete playlist that you won’t stop listening to for months. Seriously. I’ve never seen anything like it. I’ve given my fair share of jabs in disbelief along the way—“here comes the Pitchfork review” or “alright, music snob.”

Then one night we listened to the complete playlist of songs that he had picked out for our wedding. It was probably one of the most thoughtful things I have ever experienced. Each song was carefully curated for our wedding and enhanced my vision perfectly. I knew he’d worked on it religiously for months. I drank wine and cried.

Here are my favorites from our wedding:

Don’t Worry Baby – Beach Boys

To Love Somebody – Nina Simone

My Sweet Lord – George Harrison

Cross My Heart – Billy Stewart

I Only Have Eyes For You – The Flamingos

& here’s Gregs:

As Long as I’ve Got You – The Charmels

You Don’t Care – The Techniques

I Can Be Cool – Bob & Gene

I’m Just an Average Guy – The Masqueraders

I Played the Fool – The Softones

How Long – Ace

[I honestly didn’t even recognize any of these songs after I asked him. But then I listened to them, and they are better. Somebody call Pitchfork.]

Moment #2: Reading our vows to each other (before our wedding).

It seems like there is so much pressure to do everything the right way, especially when it comes to a wedding. We’re not good at that. I ordered my dress before we were engaged (don’t necessarily recommend, but it worked out for me). We didn’t have a wedding party. We got our rings second-hand. We read each other our vows before we got married.

And this made for one of my favorite experiences.

I have a hard time focusing and being in the moment with my partner when I know everyone is looking at me. So to make sure that magic wasn’t lost, we read each other our vows, in the privacy of our little Sellwood apartment with nobody looking at us. And again, I cried.

[Maybe I just like crying?!?]

Moment #3: Being extremely humbled with gratitude

Somehow in the motions of all of this wedding stuff, I never considered the overwhelming gratitude and humility I would feel having all of our people in one place. Especially the ones who traveled and/or contributed (we had a lot of help!). Nothing makes you feel like being a better person than seeing all of those people in one room, for you and your partner. Never again will we have that special moment.

So here is my advice, since nobody is asking: